...but what if they say "yes"?
I fear very little.
At least, I think I fear very little.
Flying. I fear that. My children making self-destructive decisions. I fear that. Spiders. Showering at home alone.
But the normal stuff - the stuff that all the "no fear" sermons are about - no sweat here. The future? Nope. Change? Bring it on. Public speaking? Not a bit. (okay, maybe the sermons don't address public speaking, but it's always at the top of all the lists). Failure?
(ahem) Failure? ...
(...crickets chirping...)
Well, er, uh, that's the thing I am trying to figure out. Do I fear failure, or do I fear success?
As I've mentioned before, I am full of ideas. Full of them. And every last one of them is brilliant. I'm sure of it. As I've also mentioned before, I would like to write a book. I even have an idea for one. It's brilliant. And it is brilliantly lodged in my head.
Recently, the prospect of attending a writers' conference has entered my thoughts. Just a fun weekend where I could make some new friends, learn a few tricks and, hopefully, be inspired to put pen to paper. Or, where I could schedule an actual meeting to pitch "my book" to an actual person with actual power to actually get it published. Me, who has never written a chapter of fiction in her life. In front of a publisher. Transferring my ideas from brain to paperback.
I rarely catch myself off guard. I know what to expect from me. But the panic that entered my psyche at the possibility...the possibility... of that transpiring was startling. As I trudged through the deluge of brainwaves, I tried to determine what pushed my panic button and I think it was this question: "... but what if they say yes?"
What if I trick someone into editing and publishing my book? Then what? How will I write a whole book? How could I stand for someone to edit it? What if the public hates it? What if they love it, and I have to write another one? Where will the next idea come from?
One thing was certain: I needed to start writing more. Back in the saddle, ol' gal. So I took a suggestion from Matt, my superfan, and thought about writing for a magazine. I even took the first step, requested an interview from "a source," who, of course, agreed, because he's cool like that. Now it's time to pitch the magazine...but I am paralyzed. What if they say yes? What if they assign the story and I have to write a feature for the first time in 10 years? Then what?
I know I am exposing myself as a basketcase here, but I know I'm not alone. Right? Please say I'm not alone?
At least, I think I fear very little.
Flying. I fear that. My children making self-destructive decisions. I fear that. Spiders. Showering at home alone.
But the normal stuff - the stuff that all the "no fear" sermons are about - no sweat here. The future? Nope. Change? Bring it on. Public speaking? Not a bit. (okay, maybe the sermons don't address public speaking, but it's always at the top of all the lists). Failure?
(ahem) Failure? ...
(...crickets chirping...)
Well, er, uh, that's the thing I am trying to figure out. Do I fear failure, or do I fear success?
As I've mentioned before, I am full of ideas. Full of them. And every last one of them is brilliant. I'm sure of it. As I've also mentioned before, I would like to write a book. I even have an idea for one. It's brilliant. And it is brilliantly lodged in my head.
Recently, the prospect of attending a writers' conference has entered my thoughts. Just a fun weekend where I could make some new friends, learn a few tricks and, hopefully, be inspired to put pen to paper. Or, where I could schedule an actual meeting to pitch "my book" to an actual person with actual power to actually get it published. Me, who has never written a chapter of fiction in her life. In front of a publisher. Transferring my ideas from brain to paperback.
I rarely catch myself off guard. I know what to expect from me. But the panic that entered my psyche at the possibility...the possibility... of that transpiring was startling. As I trudged through the deluge of brainwaves, I tried to determine what pushed my panic button and I think it was this question: "... but what if they say yes?"
What if I trick someone into editing and publishing my book? Then what? How will I write a whole book? How could I stand for someone to edit it? What if the public hates it? What if they love it, and I have to write another one? Where will the next idea come from?
One thing was certain: I needed to start writing more. Back in the saddle, ol' gal. So I took a suggestion from Matt, my superfan, and thought about writing for a magazine. I even took the first step, requested an interview from "a source," who, of course, agreed, because he's cool like that. Now it's time to pitch the magazine...but I am paralyzed. What if they say yes? What if they assign the story and I have to write a feature for the first time in 10 years? Then what?
I know I am exposing myself as a basketcase here, but I know I'm not alone. Right? Please say I'm not alone?
Comments
That's how a book starts. You have it in your head, firmly placed, then you realize no one else has written that book yet, and you realize that you are being called to write it. My first book "13 Ways of looking at a Blackbird" is being published in April. And that's not even the one that's been bothering me the most. I cannot die in peace until I finish July Mountain. I'm familiar with the query routine. I'd be glad to help.
I need to get back to my study of that book about self talk - it's such a dangerous thing to get stuck in.
Have you been reading Tam's blog? She's committed to writing every Wednesday - I think she goes to a coffee shop to do it. I don't know if your schedule allows for that, but it seems like a lot of people have to force themselves into a schedule like that.
Me, on the other hand...