A Bible Study Story

Today is one of those days where I just walk around my house and look at stuff. I might actually pick something up and move it to another location, or I might straighten a pile of papers into a neat little stack, or I might kick some shoes out of a main thoroughfare. Or I might not. If I don't, it's because I am physically unable to make progress in any direction.

I hate these days.

One of the things I value most on a daily basis is my own productivity. When I effectively pair it with its sister value, efficiency, I am in my own little self-righteous-sufficient utopia. On the days when the opposite is occurring, I am miserable. Seriously, I feel like a flat-out, 100%, crawl-back-into-bed-and-hide-under-the-covers failure.

It's a totally fallacious sentiment, I know. That's one of the reasons why I find these days so frustrating. Regardless of how many times I tell myself that it's okay to take a day off, or to not be at the top of my game all the time...no matter how often I remind myself that my self-sufficiency is completely bogus anyway because I am nothing without Christ...I catch myself with my head swimming around a to-do list that is growing instead of shrinking and think, "I am failing."And then I feel like more of a failure for feeling like a failure.

You know how when you ask your computer to do something and that little flashlight icon comes up to tell you that the processor is searching for a way to do what you're asking it to do? That's how my head feels. I can see that little flashlight panning around while my brain searches for something that will satisfy this restlessness...I try exercise, cleaning, chocolate...all in vain, until my eyes light on the one thing that will calm me.

Opening to Isaiah 58, my assigned study for the week, I learn about - are you ready for this? - taking a Sabbath. Seriously. That was what my lesson today was about. Today, when I sat down, practically in tears about not being able to get my work done. Okay, now I'm in tears writing about it.

Isaiah 58 begins with God saying to Israel, basically: "Hey. Stop it. You wonder why I'm not hearing you? You are only trying to please yourselves. This "fasting" that you're doing? You're not getting it. You are going through some motions, but you are missing the point. It's not about you." The people would do these days of fasting where they would starve themselves and hang their heads and lay on sackcloth instead of cushy beds, but their behavior didn't change at all - they were still awful to one another, taking advantage of the people that worked for them and fighting with each other. Their self-denial was only a checklist, not a life of service.

God goes on to talk about what true fasting and Sabbath look like and there are all kinds of references to fighting for social justice, doing away with the yoke of oppression, sharing food with the hungry and clothing the naked. God says if we stop doing as we please and spend ourselves doing these things, then "The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." God's word doesn't promise that if I am faithful with sweeping my kitchen floor, straightening up after my kids, organizing my coupons and folding my laundry, then he will give me the strength I need to serve Him...He says it's the other way around. It's not about me. He doesn't want my completed checklist. He wants me.


When I find myself feeling like a failure, it is because I am making it all about me ("I am less valuable when I am not getting things done"). When I am overwhelmed, it is all about me ("How will people perceive me if I don't get it all done myself?"). When I am singularly focused on crossing things off the list, it is all about me. ("There is no room for God's derailment.")

The ONLY way for me to remember this is by allowing God to tell me, every single day. I think God lets me get into this paralyzed state to remind me, like he did today, that it's not about me. That he has different plans for me, and they are much bigger. I wanted to keep my house clean? He wants me to defeat social injustice. Clearly, we should talk more.

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This post is a roundabout way of participating in the Remarkable Faith series, at Giving Up on Perfect. I have been a student in Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) for eleven years and cannot recommend it highly enough for in depth, life changing study.