Day - Who Knows? I quit.
Well, I made it 8 of 31 days.
And you know what? I am totally ok with that.
I've written before about how I have a hard time sticking to personal goals. I don't even make New Year's resolutions. I know I won't make it past January 3. Diet plans. Exercise plans. Reading plans. School projects, charts to fill out, etc... I start them all. I just can't seem to be bothered with finishing them.
Last year, I trained for and ran a half-marathon. It was a huge accomplishment. I collected a medal. I wrote about what it felt like to start and finish something for the first time in years. And then I spent months nursing a bum hip. Early this year, I signed up to do it again - to chase that feeling of accomplishment. But eventually it became obvious to me that ALL I was doing was chasing that feeling of accomplishment, and I was likely to do it at the expense of my physical health, so I bailed. I like walking. I'd like to be able to do it for a number of years henceforth. I have my medal. Check.
Nobody likes a quitter, they say. Maybe they should stop saying that.
See, I am a recovering accomplisher. I accomplished big things. And I had big dreams and big goals, and big gifts to get me there. But somewhere along the way I switched tracks. And now my big dreams and big goals look more like getting dinner on the table several times a week and cleaning bathrooms than organizing a music festival or going to the moon (No, really. I dreamed BIG). There are days where I feel like my gifts are wasting away in an attic somewhere, but God is working on developing other gifts in me. By removing "me" and all my "me, me, me-ness" from the picture, He is teaching me to enjoy this season, and that the smaller accomplishments really do matter to the people who matter.
And through this challenge - which, hey! I accomplished in a third of the time suggested! - He has shown me something else:
Jesus accomplished for me, so that I don't have to.
I am, obviously, not going to write something every day for 31 days. I will not achieve this goal, and maybe the lesson is that it was dumb to think it was reasonable. But I think the real lesson is found in the fact that I am at peace with not deleting my bold declaration that I was going to do it. It has taken me this long to find a place where I believe in my heart that no matter how long or impressive my list of achievements, I am not valued by the sum of my accomplishments. At least not by anyone who matters. I am not my own Savior, and there are people who still like this quitter.
And over these last couple of weeks, as I have thought about how to communicate affirmation to the people I like - to those people who DO matter, I have been running into a problem.
There are too many.
What an incredible problem to have - to sit down and think about the people who are important to you and realize that 31 days just isn't enough time to get the words out. And to realize that most of those people have been friends for more than ten years - through my least "accomplished" decade...I am humbled. These people have seen me start and not finish all of this stuff, and they've stuck around anyway. Most of them haven't even seen my shiny 13.1-mile medal.
So, friends. I love you. I like you. I look forward to finding a way to tell you personally, and not as part of something I'm trying to accomplish - 'cause let's be honest. That just isn't likely to happen.
And you know what? I am totally ok with that.
I've written before about how I have a hard time sticking to personal goals. I don't even make New Year's resolutions. I know I won't make it past January 3. Diet plans. Exercise plans. Reading plans. School projects, charts to fill out, etc... I start them all. I just can't seem to be bothered with finishing them.
Last year, I trained for and ran a half-marathon. It was a huge accomplishment. I collected a medal. I wrote about what it felt like to start and finish something for the first time in years. And then I spent months nursing a bum hip. Early this year, I signed up to do it again - to chase that feeling of accomplishment. But eventually it became obvious to me that ALL I was doing was chasing that feeling of accomplishment, and I was likely to do it at the expense of my physical health, so I bailed. I like walking. I'd like to be able to do it for a number of years henceforth. I have my medal. Check.
Nobody likes a quitter, they say. Maybe they should stop saying that.
See, I am a recovering accomplisher. I accomplished big things. And I had big dreams and big goals, and big gifts to get me there. But somewhere along the way I switched tracks. And now my big dreams and big goals look more like getting dinner on the table several times a week and cleaning bathrooms than organizing a music festival or going to the moon (No, really. I dreamed BIG). There are days where I feel like my gifts are wasting away in an attic somewhere, but God is working on developing other gifts in me. By removing "me" and all my "me, me, me-ness" from the picture, He is teaching me to enjoy this season, and that the smaller accomplishments really do matter to the people who matter.
And through this challenge - which, hey! I accomplished in a third of the time suggested! - He has shown me something else:
Jesus accomplished for me, so that I don't have to.
I am, obviously, not going to write something every day for 31 days. I will not achieve this goal, and maybe the lesson is that it was dumb to think it was reasonable. But I think the real lesson is found in the fact that I am at peace with not deleting my bold declaration that I was going to do it. It has taken me this long to find a place where I believe in my heart that no matter how long or impressive my list of achievements, I am not valued by the sum of my accomplishments. At least not by anyone who matters. I am not my own Savior, and there are people who still like this quitter.
And over these last couple of weeks, as I have thought about how to communicate affirmation to the people I like - to those people who DO matter, I have been running into a problem.
There are too many.
What an incredible problem to have - to sit down and think about the people who are important to you and realize that 31 days just isn't enough time to get the words out. And to realize that most of those people have been friends for more than ten years - through my least "accomplished" decade...I am humbled. These people have seen me start and not finish all of this stuff, and they've stuck around anyway. Most of them haven't even seen my shiny 13.1-mile medal.
So, friends. I love you. I like you. I look forward to finding a way to tell you personally, and not as part of something I'm trying to accomplish - 'cause let's be honest. That just isn't likely to happen.
Comments
I really needed to hear this, Amy. Thank you!
I never knew that God would call me to be a caregiver for my elderly in-laws in the way that he has. I know more about my MIL than I *ever* thought I would... and while there are times when it is tedious, there are also times when I know I am ministering to her in a way that no one else can. There is love and trust between us that a lot of in-laws don't have. Admittedly, I am not looking forward to the next 10 or so business days, because I have to go to a DRs office on almost every one of them, mostly for her follow-ups with various medical professionals, but THIS is the season I am in right now. This is the ministry God has given me. This is where I must be faithful to serve. This is where I am to "rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus our Lord" .
You have a huge ministry to your husband and your precious girls. There will be other opportunities in the future for other forms of ministry, and some may include writing! Hallelujah! Sometimes we have to be content in accomplishing a single day; and we may not even get dinner cooked and the bathroom cleaned, but we can still do it for the glory of God with an attitude of obedience.
The attitude is the hardest part sometimes, isn't it? I know it is an ongoing lesson for me. Thanks again for sharing your heart on this blog. I know I'm reading it way late, but I still appreciate you.
I'm a recovering accomplisher, too - and everything you said here is beautiful to me. And hard. And beautiful. Also? I posted on the first and last days of October, but definitely NOT every day in between. :)