The Intention Is Not Enough
Sometimes, I feel like God is trying to tell me something. Hold on. Being a good church kid, I'm trained to feel like that ALL the time. I know there's always a lesson, always room to grow, always a message to be heard...
But right now, I'm hearing it loud and clear, and I know it's God because a) the message is coming from multiple mediums b) it applies to multiple struggles simultaneously and c) it MAKES. ME. CRAZY.
A few months ago my husband, my brother-in-law and I did something a little nutty: we voluntarily signed ourselves up to run 13.1 miles for no good reason, like charity or being chased by zombies. I guess we just liked the idea of accomplishing something together that none of us had ever done, or of being forced to train for something and get in shape, or maybe it was just the idea of running through the Disney parks at night. I remember when it sounded like fun, and I remember when I believed it wouldn't be that hard, because we'd given ourselves so much time to prepare.
But now, a couple of months in, with aching shins and sore feet and a good idea of just exactly how far thirteen-point-one miles is, I know exactly how hard it is going to be...and it's sounding less and less like fun and more and more like slow, painful torture.
Honestly, if we hadn't already paid for it, I'd be awfully tempted to bail and call myself a swimmer. But I keep talking to runners and learning that my ailments are not unique and that there are ways to work around and/or through them. With some rest and proper attention to a training schedule, I can do it...one day at a time.
This makes me crazy because I am not a one-day-at-a-time kinda girl. I know I'm not alone - instant gratification is very appealing. Most of us are not wired to work for the long haul, which is why it is so easy to appreciate tremendous accomplishments and underdog stories and Olympians and Batman. We understand how hard it is to do something that really could be as easy as one day at a time. You just work hard, each day, until before you know it, it's done. And I hate that. I want it done now. I want the intention to be enough.
We have a toddler who laughs when I tell her "No." She giggles and throws more food off her tray when I pop her hand for starting that game. She sneaks behind me and throws things in the trash can - after I have taken them out and scolded her two...three...four times... (the trash can is now behind a closed door.) This makes me tired, but when I think about the next five...ten...sixteen years with this kid, Lord, have mercy. I am downright depressed. This is a race I know. With ten years of parenting already under my belt, I KNOW the intention is not enough, and that makes me want to take a nap. Until 2028.
But there's that whisper again. One day at a time. I don't have to parent this child now for the rest of her life, I have to parent her for today. Again, with some rest and proper attention to a training schedule, I can run this race too...one day at a time.
It makes me crazy, because it is so against my nature. To trust that I must just do my part for today, and that God will be faithful to do his part forever. To remember that I don't need to know the ending, that I'm not in control of it anyway...ugh. Whatever my intention is, it is not enough - but God is, and He only gives me one day at a time.
But right now, I'm hearing it loud and clear, and I know it's God because a) the message is coming from multiple mediums b) it applies to multiple struggles simultaneously and c) it MAKES. ME. CRAZY.
A few months ago my husband, my brother-in-law and I did something a little nutty: we voluntarily signed ourselves up to run 13.1 miles for no good reason, like charity or being chased by zombies. I guess we just liked the idea of accomplishing something together that none of us had ever done, or of being forced to train for something and get in shape, or maybe it was just the idea of running through the Disney parks at night. I remember when it sounded like fun, and I remember when I believed it wouldn't be that hard, because we'd given ourselves so much time to prepare.
But now, a couple of months in, with aching shins and sore feet and a good idea of just exactly how far thirteen-point-one miles is, I know exactly how hard it is going to be...and it's sounding less and less like fun and more and more like slow, painful torture.
Honestly, if we hadn't already paid for it, I'd be awfully tempted to bail and call myself a swimmer. But I keep talking to runners and learning that my ailments are not unique and that there are ways to work around and/or through them. With some rest and proper attention to a training schedule, I can do it...one day at a time.
This makes me crazy because I am not a one-day-at-a-time kinda girl. I know I'm not alone - instant gratification is very appealing. Most of us are not wired to work for the long haul, which is why it is so easy to appreciate tremendous accomplishments and underdog stories and Olympians and Batman. We understand how hard it is to do something that really could be as easy as one day at a time. You just work hard, each day, until before you know it, it's done. And I hate that. I want it done now. I want the intention to be enough.
We have a toddler who laughs when I tell her "No." She giggles and throws more food off her tray when I pop her hand for starting that game. She sneaks behind me and throws things in the trash can - after I have taken them out and scolded her two...three...four times... (the trash can is now behind a closed door.) This makes me tired, but when I think about the next five...ten...sixteen years with this kid, Lord, have mercy. I am downright depressed. This is a race I know. With ten years of parenting already under my belt, I KNOW the intention is not enough, and that makes me want to take a nap. Until 2028.
But there's that whisper again. One day at a time. I don't have to parent this child now for the rest of her life, I have to parent her for today. Again, with some rest and proper attention to a training schedule, I can run this race too...one day at a time.
It makes me crazy, because it is so against my nature. To trust that I must just do my part for today, and that God will be faithful to do his part forever. To remember that I don't need to know the ending, that I'm not in control of it anyway...ugh. Whatever my intention is, it is not enough - but God is, and He only gives me one day at a time.
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| It's like I was trying to tell myself something...I wrote this on my bathroom mirror MONTHS ago. Only now am I starting to get the message. |
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