Thursday Morning Scenes
Thursday mornings bring to light an inner struggle, because I am given three, free, ME hours. It sounds delightful, but it's proving to be almost too much for me to handle.
I am torn between productivity and play, between responsibility and self-indulgence. On one hand, it's a perfect opportunity for me to write or create, to practice the piano in peace or to crochet gifts until my fingers bleed. On the other hand, it's a great chance for me to organize shelves and drawers, to clean house without little voices asking why I'm throwing away that broken pencil. I could scrub the shower without having to get out and unbleach myself to serve a sandwich, I could pull weeds in the front yard without having to police bicycle traffic.
If I had a third hand, it would present me with options like laying around without having to explain myself. I could put on a favorite movie or turn up the music or read a book. I could get dressed and go shopping - for myself. I could go for a long walk through Barnes & Noble. I could go for a long walk on the beach. Or I could just go sit on the beach, no walking involved. I could try to meet a friend for coffee. Or I could just go get coffee, no friends involved. I could give myself a pedicure. I could have someone give me a pedicure.
When I think of my life as a story, which I've been trying so hard to do, these three hours seem monumentally important, but I can't figure out why. I stare at them and think, "they MEAN something," but I don't know what. Is it during these three hours a week that I'm supposed to write my book? Start some type of ministry? Or are these my Sabbath - 3 pure, dedicated hours?
Whatever scenes do unfold during my Thursday morning sessions, I'm challenged to make them interesting - to keep them off life's cutting room floor. But I'm learning that maybe they need to be written before I show up on the set - Improv doesn't seem to be one of my strengths, instead I seem paralyzed by the options when I don't have little people to lead (or follow.)
Stage fright, I guess.
Comments
A suggestion - why not "tithe" the time for some sort of service to others. Take about 20 minutes or so to write cards, visit with the elderly (or maybe ask a nursing home if you could come and play some songs for the residents - that knocks out piano AND service) or some other sort of "giving of oneself". Or maybe give one hour or two a month rather than just 20 minutes each week.
Personal recreation is key, I believe. I'm reading a book called "Stepping Heavenward" by Elizabeth Prentiss (a wonderful work of fiction) and she writes as a mother instructing her daughter about living a holy life "...we must be wise taskmasters and not require of ourselves what we cannot possibly perform. Recreation we must have. Otherwise, the strings of our soul, wound up to an unnatural tension, will break." This is a great book - a must read.
I hope that your cherished 3 hours will be a delight!
And don't worry - you'll get your 3 hours before long...
And I KNOW what a blessing it is. Maybe that's why it feels like such a responsibility, like I need to be so careful about how I spend this time.
Like you, I have too many hands: work on the house, relax, work on my blog, or try to start a freelance business.
Then there's the fact that I don't feel like I could accomplish everything I want to with the allotted time, no matter what I focus on. You know what I mean?
I know it's ridiculous. I'm in a pretty comfortable position, having this time to do what I want with. I just don't want to waste it...