Here's a start...

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It's been kind of a weird day. Actually, it's been kind of a weird three weeks.

I have a tendency to be kind of hard on myself. I have high expectations and lofty ideals, and I think very highly of my abilities to accomplish just about anything. So, during the stretches of time where they're matched with things-out-of-my-control and lack-of-motivation, it is pretty easy for me to feel like a failure. With a big, fat, F.

As you know, we've been on Christmas Break, and Christmas and the break that come along with it are a tremendous opportunity for high expectations and lofty ideals to rear their pesky heads. With all that time to ourselves...think of the possibilities! So I entered the break with two, simultaneous desires: to be both supremely productive and sublimely relaxed. Two different sides of my brain, battling it out with their own expectations.

Clearly, I didn't stand a chance of succeeding. One of my personalities was going to lose, but not for my lack of trying to please both. And if you do the math, that ends up with no one winning, because the "compromise" between relaxing and producing is stressed-out-sitting. Two weeks of that and the result was a Post-New Year's Meltdown. The kind where Matt just looks at me and goes, "You need to go lie down." And I don't put up a fight, I just say, "Yes, yes I do."

So, that's how I was heading into this New Year. Tense to the point where my jaw was sore. Tears brimming. Under water, and looking for a deeper hole to crawl into.

At last, something gave. Maybe it was a combination of things - a peaceful night with close friends, a hot tub in the rain, 20 minutes of practicing piano with a pleasant 5-year-old. An uplifting phone call, followed by another. Sidewalk chalk with a funny kid. Or maybe it was these verses I read this morning, that just kind of put things into perspective...

Then the LORD came down in the cloud and stood there with him and proclaimed his name, the LORD. And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, "The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin.
Exodus 34:5-7

Comments

Mary @ Giving Up On Perfect said…
Amy, I'm so glad you've gotten some relief from the battle of the brain. Productivity and relaxation never seem to walk hand-in-hand for me, no matter how hard I try. It's possible they just don't work well together. I guess when you say that "something gave," it was really God giving Himself, passing over you with blessings like the phone calls and piano lesson and sidewalk chalk...and Him.

I don't know if my rambling makes sense. So I'll just close with this - your second paragraph could have been written by me. High expectations, lofty ideals, confidence in my ability - it's like a perfect storm, isn't it?
January 6, 2009 at 9:26 AM
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